[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
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Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
The fall of Netflix
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.