Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
im all 3
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this