Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
me and my fake scenarios
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño