@GorillaNipples1

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

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@HomeWithPeanut

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

@GinAndJif

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

@mommajessiec

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

@Jerrypleasure

[First Date]

Her: I love One Direction

Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

@sonictyrant

Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?

Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*

Date: um

Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*

Date: actually i just remembered i’m married

@werehedgehog

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

@salamingia

The best part about getting up to get an apple is when you come back with Doritos.

@anniemalistics

Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.