Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

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3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*


HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages


*sees a cat yawning*
How the hell can you be tired?


Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.


Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.


what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???


we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.


Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.