Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?


Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?



Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.


[First Date]

Her: I love One Direction

Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass


Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…


Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?

Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*

Date: um

Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*

Date: actually i just remembered i’m married


When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.


The best part about getting up to get an apple is when you come back with Doritos.


Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.