Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
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I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I just seen a kid yell at his dad and tell him “No jerk!”
I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 16.
Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up
Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!