@Darlainky

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

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@iNusku

I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

@simoncholland

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

@thatUPSdude

Oh Subway

You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.

Sincerely;
Guys

@noog

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

@Steelers1972

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

@Jandalize

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

@thatUPSdude

I just seen a kid yell at his dad and tell him “No jerk!”

I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 16.

@ThaJawn

Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more

Me: ok…

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats

Me: What?

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up

Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!