Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
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I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The sacred texts.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
The photographer’s assistant
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Did a trash talking tree write this?