Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows.

*Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*

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Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.


me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that


Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!


If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.


When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.


[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising πŸ™‚ it appears that we’re all in this togeth-


Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
“Obamanible snowman…?”
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
“Uh yeah just fine”


Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it


LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]


[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]