@Audenary

Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows.

*Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*

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@mollzbenn

“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.

@Milla_Jacobs

I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open

@robyn_vo

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

@PinkCamoTO

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

@kingsleyyy

Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?

@rickolantern

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

@QwertyJones3

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

@tommygunz07

Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife’s name was Mildred and his last wife’s name was Crystal.

@DRUNKdadding

I’m pretty sure our nanny’s grandmother has died like seven times now……

@IndecisiveJones

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle