Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore