The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.
Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.
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How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Why do you want to be Jedi?
[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd