@bfrosty04

Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.

You Might Also Like

@JohnHilsen

The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.

@ItsDanSheehan

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

@ClassicMegan

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

@timdonakowski

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

@SortaBad

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

@DanMentos

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

@awkwardphilippe

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

@molly7anne

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

@rickolantern

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd