VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
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What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.