victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
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Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
August 8