[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?