lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
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Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”
-I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I’ve mistaken for a cute guy
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there’ll only be 2 “hits”; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.
#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married