It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I can’t be the only one 😂
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
A double negative is a big no-no.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool