Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”