video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
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Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Just grow your own
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.