I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.