Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
You Might Also Like
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Botany good plants lately?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so