@thedad: Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
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@Love_bug1016: Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
@ImSoFrancis: Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire? Me: the only wire I'm wearing is why're you still single? Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
@ihateitmunky: [after a mandatory drug test] boss: ok well that’s not it so what the hell is your problem
@mixedgrass: If a British guy caught his wife cheating he’d probably be like “right. what’s all this then”