@thedad

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

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@jctwritesstuff

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

@nyquills

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

@Rollinintheseat

Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

@fro_vo

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

@ddsmidt

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

@007Rex_Inc

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

@ceejoyner

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

@goldengateblond

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

@reeni730

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.