Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
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Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*