@WildeThingy

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

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@jonnysun

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

@egg_dog

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

@Home_Halfway

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

@OllyiConic

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

@BarlowAdams

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

@6stringSpecial

My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.

@skullpuppy11

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

@jjmick45

I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA

@freefanaddict

Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.