Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
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One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.