Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

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this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying


don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather


“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”


olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives


9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.


Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby


My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.


People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.


I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA


Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.