Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
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My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
*Buys bat for home security
*it flies away
Being dumb is hard.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“50 Cent for 2Pacs of Eminems!? That’s Ludacris!”
Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!
My face: *activate freckles*
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.