[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
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me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
This raises questions
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
dads on road-trips be like
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.