Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
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If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Choose your fighter
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”