@TheToddWilliams

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

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@Bob_Janke

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

@Reverend_Scott

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

@T_N_Crumpets

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

@sixfootcandy

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

@themorris23

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

@AnkCoupleTO

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

@JarodNotJared

Its the little things that bring the most joy – Like sneaking a home pregnancy test in the shopping cart of a mom/daughter combo & observing

@realrossnoble

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

@MaverickGames

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.