VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I wish I were this cool 😂