@Bob_Janke
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
@TheToddWilliams
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
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@Bob_Janke
@Reverend_Scott
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
@T_N_Crumpets
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
@sixfootcandy
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
@themorris23
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
@AnkCoupleTO
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
@JarodNotJared
Its the little things that bring the most joy – Like sneaking a home pregnancy test in the shopping cart of a mom/daughter combo & observing
@realrossnoble
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
@MaverickGames
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.