@iamburtjarvis

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

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@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

@Kyle_Lippert

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

@JimmerThatisAll

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

@RodLacroix

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

@mzeld

The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.

@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

@Marlebean

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*