villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.