villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

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That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.


It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*


“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.


Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?


Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.


The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.


My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions


Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..


HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*