Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
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That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.
My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*