villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
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“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.