Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
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There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
what’s more important?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist