Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
You Might Also Like
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
j o i m p
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!