Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.