VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

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Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.


If I was a drunk superhero, I’m pretty sure I’d be “I Love You Man”


If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules


Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.


Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*


I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.


Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.


me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog


A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed


Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti