@hiimmatts

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

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@BrattyBarbie

Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.

@CelebrityChez

If I was a drunk superhero, I’m pretty sure I’d be “I Love You Man”

@e4moji

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

@Not_James_Vogel

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

@jimmytorosian

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

@difficultpatty

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

@Storminika

Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

@DanMentos

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

@JohnLyonTweets

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

@notacroc

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti