VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
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Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day