@Skoog

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

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@karanbirtinna

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

@ladybroseph

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Watching movie where genius is filling whiteboards with math}
ME: *Trying to impress date* Ah. Yes. I see. Because he carried the one.

@Darlainky

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

@MattMcElaney

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

@Ygrene

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

@ruinedpicnic

There’s a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about

@rachelmillman

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

@thatdutchperson

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

@YourMomsucksTho

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you