If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
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Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?
Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*
Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*
Date: actually i just remembered i’m married
I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”