villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
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Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
This hospital has everything
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
is this a threat
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.