VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
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This is a true ally.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Hitlers gonna hitl
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.