A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Vin Diesel has been making music for years… he just called himself Pitbull.
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WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
*goes down on escalator
Escalator: I have a boyfriend
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Are babies like tamagotchis? Like, will my friend take care of it if I forget it at her house?
I establish dominance over my kids by sprinkling LEGO around their beds while they’re sleeping
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”
Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.