@prodigal_bran

Vin Diesel has been making music for years… he just called himself Pitbull.

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@JamieGreenlees

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

@Bownuggets

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

@NYC_Blonde

Are babies like tamagotchis? Like, will my friend take care of it if I forget it at her house?

@CrockettForReal

I establish dominance over my kids by sprinkling LEGO around their beds while they’re sleeping

@1Bad_Scientist

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

@jonathantony

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

@LizHackett

Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.

@themorris23

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.