@prodigal_bran

Vin Diesel has been making music for years… he just called himself Pitbull.

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@ButtercupHush

“No mom I DON’T HAVE a boyfriend!” -lie you tell at 18.

“No mom I HAVE a boyfriend!” -lie you tell at 28.

@thejessbess

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

@KKBowls

“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.

@mrjohntofu

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

@NicCageMatch

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

@CantEven101

Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”

@pilau

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

@Mirimade

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

@dougbies

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

@TheWidowmakerX

{Speed dating}

Him: What are your interests?

Me: Guns, knives, blood, drugs, cemeteries…

Wait! Where are you going? We still have 3 min