Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea
Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars
producer: go on
Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast
producer: can they also be…furious?
Vin Diesel: i dont see why not
producer: let’s make fifty
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Wife: Don’t forget your lunch! You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached
-later that day-
Horseman: I’m home! And guess what happened!
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*