Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
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Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Breaking news:
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
This is painfully accurate 😅
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.