Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.


a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl


What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…


Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything


Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.


I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.


A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?


I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.


ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?



me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it