@7_Cents

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

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@thejessbess

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

@desusnice

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

@SortaSarcastic

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

@fro_vo

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

@E_lok44

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

@BastardProphet

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

@Darlainky

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

@SaraESpivey

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

@carlyken

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it