You Might Also Like

@iinkedZombie

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

@looktothepickle

If you love something set it free.

*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*

@david8hughes

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

@Halbeerz

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

@Grafiksein

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

@GingerHotDish

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

@rickolantern

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

@theriouthly

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning