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@LoveNLunchmeat

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

@IamEnidColeslaw

today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING

@climaxximus

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

@causticbob

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

@WheelTod

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

@LaziestCanine

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a t-rex]

Her: I absolutely love it when guys open the car door for me

Me: Shit.

@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES