The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Lady GaGa is easily the scariest of all the Muppets.
today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a t-rex]
Her: I absolutely love it when guys open the car door for me
M: Do that thing I like
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES