No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
🤣🤣
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*