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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”


If you love something set it free.

*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*


[cops knock on my door]
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”


After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies


Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents


Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.


Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.


Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE


Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning