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@offbeatoliv: Vin Diesel's real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
@mrtiredeyes: me: how should i tell my kids they're adopted?
kid: not like this
@jemelehill: PER MY LAST EMAIL
@InternetHippo: The stages of getting old are:
1) shocked to see that some famous person is younger than you
2) not surprised anymore b/c they're all younger
@TheRolo: I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
@c_always_wright: high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”