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@offbeatoliv: Vin Diesel's real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
@KeetPotato: [if trump wins somehow]
alien: "i said take me to your leader"
me: "dude i swear this is him"
@Kunk7: Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
@blade_funner: [the invention of ping pong]
"I don't want this tiny ball."
"Well, neither do I."
"That makes me very angry."
@brandynwiththey: Your girlfriend isn't hallucinating man, she's actually seeing other people.
@TweetPotato314: I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.