Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
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*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
blocked.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Encore…
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner