Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
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Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.