@FattMernandez

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

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@erikbransteen

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

@haveigotnews

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

@TitansHomer

Wife: What’s the Harlem shake?

Me: I don’t know, I think they sell them at Burger King?

@DirtMcTurd

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

@Playing_Dad

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

@Home_Halfway

BARISTA: I have an order for…God? Is there a God?
[no one answers]
ATHEIST: Haha told ya
GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I’m here
ATH: Shit

@pizzajaynow

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

@oakhillbargrill

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat