“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
how to exercise your calf muscles
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.