*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
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Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.