This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.