@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

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@J_Illunninati

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

@_troyjohnson

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

@KentWGraham

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

@ObscureGent

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

@zachreinert03

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

@KrangTNelson

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

@JosephScrimshaw

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

@truegritrumble

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

@elle91

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.