@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

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@jwoodham

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

@markleggett

A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.

@

“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports

@JustMeTurtle

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

@ch000ch

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

@MyNameIsArchaic

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

@TheNardvark

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

@kimtopher22

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

@sevenxx7

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

@EFFLORESCENE

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and experience parties and everything!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store. i got a mango for 39¢