@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

@CrabbyDaCrab

My gym trainer told us to run around the building with 15 lb. kettlebells. I told him if I wanted to run with an extra 15 lbs, I wouldn’t be at the gym.

@CulturedRuffian

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

@KimmyMonte

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

@MAKJ

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

@abi4205

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

@LeslieInMpls

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.