Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.