Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
You Might Also Like
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard