“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Last-minute gift idea!
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.