Whatever Mom, IF THAT’S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled
WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything
GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life