@TweetsByKaylee

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

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@iinkedZombie

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

@Tormny_Pickeals

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

@Lisaley

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

@ConanOBrien

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

@_ElvishPresley_

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

@NicestHippo

GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled

WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything

GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face

@BuckyIsotope

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

@HenpeckedHal

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life