Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
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I know karate and tons of other words.
dads on road-trips be like
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Waiting for the Charmin
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?