On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
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Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.
STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?
Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.
Wife and I laugh hysterically,
Then I die a little inside.
My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R
M: Oh my god! Mom!
tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
my body: something hurts
me: oh no! what’s wrong?
my body: it’s a secret 😉