*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing