[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
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Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
my name if I was in the mob
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant