*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
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I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Nice try, NASA
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”