*visits random websites just for the cookies*
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Erm I’m gonna say no
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.