“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
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In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
They’re called werewolves.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup